Phone conversation with Hafeez, my politician friend

Hafeez: “Hello, Jyde O, happy birthday in arrears. I learnt your birthday was yesterday.”

Jide: “Thanks, my dear brother.”

Hafeez: “How’s work, and family?”

Jide: “Lafiya lau”

Hafeez: “Who taught you Hausa?”

Jide: “Commot there! You think because you’re a Hausa man, only you can speak the language?”

Hafeez: “My paddy, there is no time to check the time. I called you for two things. First is to greet you on your birthday. Second, I am contesting for the position of senator in the next general elections, and I need your financial support. You know politics is capital-intensive.”

Jide: “Hafeez, financial support from a struggling man like me? What do I have to offer a ‘big’ man like you? You’re a banker and well-connected in government circles.”

Hafeez: “My friend, every kobo counts. Haven’t you heard about crowdfunding before? Remember, that’s how POTUS, Barack Obama, was able to fund his election in 2008 and reelection in 2012.”

Jide: “My dear brother, I know, but the rising cost of living is biting hard on me, and I have no savings. If you must know, I am heavily indebted right now. But wait, didn’t you just marry your second wife recently? I heard about the Nikkah, but you know I couldn’t attend due to distance.”

Hafeez: “That was a political marriage, my dear brother. I married Aisha because she’s from a wealthy family. Her elder brother is our state party chairman, while her father is a close associate of the president. So, the marriage was arranged for the socio-economic capital she could offer. Moreover, Sadiya, my first wife, has no male child for me. Her three children are all girls, and I need a son badly to propagate my family name.”

Jide: Wow! Wonder shall never cease. This is a pure case of a transactional relationship. But my dear friend, do you know that you’re the cause of Sadiya’s giving birth to only female children?

Hafeez: “How?”

Jide: Because, medically speaking, while women have XX chromosomes, men have XY chromosomes. When a man donates an X chromosome to meet one of the woman’s chromosomes, that’s when a girl child is born. However, when a man donates a Y chromosome to meet the woman’s chromosome, that’s when a male child is born.

Hafeez: “Really?”

Jide: “Yes o, my dear brother. You can confirm from your doctor or, better still, ask Google.”

Hafeez: “Subhanallah”

Jide: “Come to think of it, Hafeez, why should you despise or denigrate a woman for giving birth to only female children? In this age and time, every child, irrespective of sex, can bring glory to the family. Are you not proud of those amazons who have done Nigeria proud in politics, governance, sports, entertainment, creatives and even in the banking sector where you work? Several bank group managing directors are women. Many vice chancellors of universities are likewise women. So, what’s the big deal about having male children?

Hafeez: “Anyways, Jide, let’s leave that matter for now. How are you going to support my political ambition?

Jide: “I can be your technical adviser. Period!”

Hafeez: “What about helping me to coordinate the media? After all, that’s your constituency.”

Jide: “Don’t count on that, bro. I am not that influential in Nigeria’s media ecosystem. I am just a writer and analyst. To have media on your side, you have to pay for the services. Media stations are not charity organisations. They are set up as businesses and need to break even and make a profit. The operating environment in Nigeria’s media ecosystem is choking, especially with low patronage and high cost of doing business.”

Hafeez: “So, you can’t get your media colleagues to give me free adverts and news coverage?”

Jide: “If you have news-worthy events that can be covered at no cost, but live transmission of events costs a fortune because other programmes have to be suspended to air your own. That’s how the media works.”

Hafeez: “It’s alright. How about helping me to arrange for interviews?”

Jide: “I can’t commit to anything at this point, my dear brother. You’re just informing me, and I have to think it through. Not only that, but you’re also just an aspirant now, and you need to scale the hurdle of the party primary and nomination first before we can talk serious business. By the way, I hope you haven’t resigned from your banking job?”

Hafeez: “Jide, I have o. You know, contesting an election is very demanding and cannot be combined with any other work, especially a sensitive job like banking.

Jide: “Haaaa, that’s very risky, my dear friend. What if you don’t get your party ticket? You should have requested leave of absence or leave without pay?”

Hafeez: “My bank won’t agree. It’s in the policy. Anyway, I don tire for the banking job sef. The stress is too much, walahi!”

Jide: “Hmmm, anyway, you have several options you can leverage. Your in-laws are there; couple with your circle of high-net-worth friends.”

Hafeez: “Have you heard the expression that ‘politicians don’t lose’?”

Jide: “Really?”

Hafeez: “The point is that, if I don’t get my party nomination and I work to make my governor and Mr President win their reelection, I can get a political appointment during their second term. There are examples galore, including our national chairman, who lost an election to be governor but got to become a Minister and now national chairman all within a space of three years.

Jide: “Hmmmn, you’re right.”

Hafeez: “Even if that didn’t work, I have a small private firm I can use to get contracts from the government.”

Jide: “You’re indeed a Smart Alec, Hafeez!”

Hafeez: “My brother, what you need in Nigeria today is not to work hard but to work smart. Use what you have to get what you want. Shikenan. Babu dogo turenchi!”

Jide: “When the 2027 elections are over, I need to come and learn real politics from you. It seems you’re a grandmaster.”

Hafeez: “Thanks for the compliment, Jide. Nice talking to you. Keep safe and stay blessed. Sincere regards!”

I.G: @jideojong